One was a text message I received from an (I'm guessing) 40 something year old recently (in the last two years) divorced man with two teenage children: "You were the bright spot in my week," he said. I met him in a bar. We were both alone, sitting at the counter, reading a book and drinking a beer. Conversation ensued (it usually does), and he turned out to be a very bright man, a graduate of Yale who speaks four or five languages (modestly) and is in computer software or something. We talked through most of dinner and then I joined him at his house where we played several rounds of Rummi 500. He would have liked to have seen me more: without being pushy, he offered to take me to dinner the next night, or to do whatever I wanted. But I have a boyfriend, and even though we're on a "break," I want to be respectful of him.
But the text I received the next morning from that man was, "Thank you for last night. You were the bright spot in my week."
Later that evening, I drove to a nearby town to try some more local beer and read a little more of my book. At this second restaurant, I sat alone at a bar table, rather than at the bar counter, which means fewer people talk to you. But even at my bar table a man with a long pony tail and a beard came by and asked what I was reading. "When God Was a Woman," I replied. Truthfully, this man was not the sort of man I was used to talking to. He was a cross between a cowboy and a hippie, and older - 40 or 50.
"I've heard of that," he said to my surprise. "Is it good?"
I shrugged my shoulders and said, "yeah," figuring that would end the conversation.
"The way things were before men fucked everything up, huh?" he said and started to walk off.
"Kinda," I said, a little embarrassed.
"Not kinda," he said as he looked back at me, and shaking his head, he left.
Today is day three. And today I received an interesting email from an ex. He said he'd been thinking about me lately and just wanted to say hi. He recently married a woman he's been with for several years now and has moved away with her. I appreciated the sentiment and as our friendship always valued honesty, I told him about the book I'm trying to write and where I was on vacation, but also about my boyfriend and how we're on a "break," and how I'm not sure he can decide whether or not he likes me enough to keep loving me.
I received the following response:
i'm sorry about the boy. i know i don't have much room to speak to that situation, but i think you have the wrong attitude about yourself. you are a catch, and if a boy can't see that and act accordingly (this includes all boys, even this one), then he's not worth it. or he's got some growing up to do. but either way, you are not impossible to love (though i think i am finding, now and as i go through life, that love is pretty difficult across the board, even really good "it" kind of love, but that's beside the point). my wife says the same. she wants me to tell you that she's met you, so she knows that you a beautiful, intelligent, funny, and fun and that if some boy has to think about if he can stick it out or not, then YOUR answer should be NO to him!so, that's a bit harsh as a general statement, maybe, but i think she's basically right. you are a catch, and some man somewhere will be awake and aware enough to recognize it and treat you as such.
i've been having do a lot of growing up this year (or two), and a lot of it is hard and painful and just sucks. but i can look back on myself and see how i was operating as a not-quite-grownup in a grown up role and trying to have grown up relationships. i think at some point in the future i might even be mature and whole enough to look back on those selves of mine and not loathe or despise them. but for now at least i can see myself more clearly. i see where i wasn't acting like a grown up, in so many ways.
anyway, what i'm skirting around here is that i wish i had been more grown up when i approached you as a potential partner. i was caught up in so much of my poor boundaries and unknown needs, and it caught me up with you, in trying to give and be what i didn't have the space or availability to be. like i said, i want to have compassion for myself in that, but it is a shame. you are such a catch, as a person, a friend, a girlfriend or partner or lover, and i wish i had been more grown up to be able to treat you that way, whatever way it would have ended up being - to be the best friend to you i could be, or the best boyfriend, or whatever.
i don't feel like there is bad blood between us, but i just want you to know that i recognize my inability to have treated you the way you should be treated, and i'm truly sorry for that. you are certainly worth more than i gave, and more than this boy is giving. i want you to know that my heart knew that and knows it now, even though i wasn't grown up enough to act accordingly.
boy, didn't mean for this to be such a heavy email! this shit happens all the time now, these emotional bursts of "oh! i get it! boy, wish i knew that back then!" my wife is mainly the catalyst for this change. i guess i am doing a lot of work, but i don't think i would be doing as much of it so soon if it wasn't for her. thank god for girls in men's lives.
Thank God for girls in men's lives?! Who says that? The way the world was before men fucked it all up?! Who saysthat? And you were the bright spot in my week? How often does a woman get told that?
Anyway, I don't know what the point is to writing these conversations down, it's just that, well, I couldn't even get my boyfriend to pick me up from the airport tonight. He didn't want to see me very badly, I guess. And it made me cry... hard. When my friend who did come get me (also a male) asked what happened to my ride and who asked about who had I anticipated picking me up, I told him. And he just said, "Oh, Ann." And I knew what he was thinking.
And I knew that somehow I have turned into that girl I've always hated. The one who gets walked on and neglected and manipulated by the man she's convinced herself she's in love with. And everyone feels frustrated cause they know she could do better. Know she deserves better. But for the first time, I can't be gutsy enough to get out. Every time I try to end things my boyfriend says I'm being reactionary, and tells me he loves me even though it doesn't feel like he does, and that he just needs time to think...
Well, maybe I need time to think too. But first, I need someone to pick me up from the airport.
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