I can feel it in my body. No, I'm not pregnant, but my body senses the great change that is coming to the point that I wonder if these shivers and pains and hormones are what an expecting mother feels.
I'm expecting something too but I'm not sure what. It could be a job shift or a new job entirely or a death... I don't know what, but something is coming and it's expectation has not gone unnoticed.
It's unnerving. There's no point in dating. No point in nesting. No point in trying to make new friends now that my old ones are all moving away. Something is coming, something is changing and there's no point in stopping it and no point in making it any harder than it will be.
And it will be hard. That was the first sensation. Around the new year, I didn't feel elated or excited for this new year, but rather apprehension. I knew change was coming and I knew it would be hard. That's all I knew then. I know little more now.
So I sit in my living room at night eating ice cream and wondering what's going on. I can't even get motivated to take down the Christmas lights. Everything seems overwhelming perhaps because nothing will matter soon enough.
I don't know. Like I said. It's making me antsy, but not antsy enough to accomplish anything... except maybe getting a stomach ache.
My acupuncturist says that her patients are all feeling a whirling effect as if we're spinning quickly towards something. She mentioned 2012 and I don't know if she believes in all that or not, for she said it under her breathe as if to escape notice. Perhaps. Maybe the Mayans got it right. It seems highly unlikely, but I do feel that rushing sensation that renders me immobile.
It's pouring down rain right now. That always makes the mood feel more ominous. But, no doubt I'm intuiting something. I just don't know what.
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